12 Reasons Why I’m No Longer A Christian

Been digging deep within my ego child’s mind in the Enlightenment therapy/training stuff I’m doing. This list came from my coach Debra, who has really saved my life. You all have heard/read about her before on this here beelog.

I recently got into a scrap with a man who used to be my “wizard” of sorts – the man who thought of me as the daughter he never had, and whose ideas about god, politics, and religion I adopted as my own from about the age of 4. This choice of mine really wasn’t a choice – but an offer of safety. We grow up mimicking our elders, thinking that if we model ourselves after them, our world makes sense, because it is all we know.

I realize now how trapped I was in a religious environment modeled after the idea of morality, humility, sacrifice and guilt. It was literally poisoning me. Today, I let go of its curses.

Now that I’ve realized I’ve survived my childhood and no longer need protection from god, the church or anyone, I see this world with such different eyes and with that, comes a new self.

I have had two children in my life. The first was my son Anton. The second is my new Self. The one who is everything there is, everything I am. And it’s all up to me. Wow. What freedom there is in that statement.

I still have a lot of anger to sift through as I reclaim my own beliefs and create my own life. But I am on my way. Through. And shining the entire time.

Here goes the list:

Some Basic Axiomatic Positionalities of the Ego

from Reality and Subjectivity by David R. Hawkins

1. Phenomena are either good or bad, right or wrong, just or unjust, fair or unfair.

2. The “bad” deserve to be punished and the “good” rewarded.

3. Things happen by accident or else they are the fault of somebody else.

4. The mind is capable of comprehending and recognizing truth from falsehood.

5. The world causes and determines one’s experiences.

6. Life is unfair because the innocent suffer while the wicked go unpunished.

7. People should be different than they are.

8. It is critical and necessary to be right.

9. It is critical and necessary to win.

10. Wrongs must be righted.

11. Righteousness must prevail.

12. Perceptions represent reality.

Harriet’s Angel Scarf Completed

This beautiful scarf began early this summer as Debra announced a new presence in the room: a healing angel that I named Harriet. She and I knit together every morning at 5am after I’d brew a thick and foamy cup of coffee for myself and before the rest of the house woke up to take me. It was my time to heal. I’d knit in my cozy kitchen and every stitch was a gift. The yarn came from a generous gift certificate at Knitch that Tina (Anton’s godmother and my close friend) gave to me after working on her daughter Sada’s wedding calligraphy.

And it’s AMAZING to wear. Feathery and lightweight but surprisingly warm.

Pattern details of Harriet’s Angel scarf are:

• Cast on 100 – Knit in straight stitch with 6 balls of Rowan Kidsilk Haze in colorway Glacier, double stranded

• Needles: Lantern Moon US7 Rosweood Destiny Circulars (I use circulars just cause I like them, this scarf is not knit in the round, so you can knit in straight needles if you like) and (holy shit these are AMAZING to knit with and make my hands feel so good – even the sound of them sounds like a kiss. Goodbye RSI, I’ve found healing needles because they rotate at the needle join)

• Crochet an edging of Artyarns Beaded Mohair & Sequins in colorway 1626 all the way around

The Enlightened Egg

This little book was made for Debra. The image of birds has shown up a lot in our sessions and the metaphor for their flight, beauty and grace has been really meaningful to me. I bought a cool sheet of wrapping paper with birds, nests and egg imagery and have been using it in a lot of work lately. This first book of the batch went to Debra.

The floating egg is enlightened, as she is and as I hope to be soon. Maybe it’s a gradual process and I’m already hovering just above ground level? I hope so.

The little phrase at the bottom that says “each generation of children has to learn everything over again” came from a vintage hypnotism book cousin Meagan got me in Texas this summer. And the sheet of book cloth it rests on was made from a beautiful linen shirt I bought doug years ago that he stopped wearing. It’s cut up in a million little pieces now and shows up in the work now and then. Fun!

Oh! And the sexy “feminine footwear” boots on the inside are from a vintage 1970′s shoe catalogue. Debra’s a shoe addict/expert, so I thought this book fit her well.

You’re With Me Now

Amazing Dream from Tommy I had this afternoon.

In my dream, I was back in New Mexico. I traveled around the city through the places I used to live. This time, I did not wince at the bad memories, I saw the growth instead and actually smiled as I drove.

I met Tommy at this really neat looking place. It was a house and a business and big but cozy. There were lots of people walking around with things to do. Good music and really fun products being developed. It was messy, but organized. Tommy took me to this great room that had a big table in the center. Tommy had an assignment and I was part of it. The documentation for the assignment was on this long table in a specific pile. He knew just where it was and I would have missed it had I been looking, because nothing was labeled. But there it was – like I said, it was messy, but organized.

Everyone was working, but it didn’t feel like work. It was exciting. Good energy all around. The place looked very much like what you’d see when you walk into World Market. Every part of the world was represented there – a fun and eclectic mix of every culture. I looked up and even saw those cute little knitted sweaters you see as xmas ornaments – small enough for a mouse to wear. These were gifts and they were fun and silly but important. Something like the proceeds going to places that needed it most.

Tommy picked up the stack and said, “You and Peter are with me now and I’ll be guiding you. Come on and I’ll show you!”

“But what about Mom and Dad and home?” I asked.

“They’re doing their part and sending tuition checks for both you and Peter. But you’re moving out here and we’re working together. You’re with me now.”

I was so excited to be free. To be on my way. To do good work. God’s work. That’s what was on that table in the great room full of fun stuff and ideas and movement. It was God’s work. My work. Tommy’s work.

And Tommy was my link to the now, not to the past. We were moving ahead to the future. Mom and Dad had let us go and were and had been supporting us the best way they knew how. They’d sent us to college, kept us safe while growing up – made the three of us, their children, and kept the family financially secure enough to launch us. They’d done their job and now it was my turn and man, was I excited.

I was just about to ask Tommy how he’d felt about this assignment and the small amount of fear I’d felt when I’d realized my parents were saying goodbye – or at least that they could not and would not come on this journey with me.

But at that moment, I woke up from my nap with Anton. Doug came home and was looking splendid. I told him so. “You look cute, honey. You look alive.” And he smiled. And the three of us started our evening together this way.

I went downstairs to make a pot of coffee because tonight I’ll be doing book and box work. I sat down to look at my calendar. Sure enough, today was the day Tommy took his life in ’97. And this dream, he gave to me.

It reminded me that he didn’t really die, he crossed over and is still available to me. The dream was a perfect metaphor for where I’ve been, where I am, the healing that’s taken place and the possibilities ahead.

Today’s also the day I finished my scarf I knitted with Harriett, my healing angel. My first journal is almost done, too – where I’ve chronicled the work I’ve done with Debra so far. We’re soon to open the next one, which Tommy helped me make.

What a day. A beautiful, beautiful day.

So all of this is working out as it should. The pain is part of the process. I just went through a very painful two week depression about moving into a new understanding of God. That meant I really needed to let go of the old one and grieve that loss. I am on the other end of that first big step into the arms of the new God. Pain and being uncomfortable are part of it. It’s a sign of movement – the chaos is okay and the structure of it is really hard to see when you’re inside of it.

This grieving God had launched me into phase two and Tommy’s dream and his book is the beginning.

I’ve got more work to do. God’s work, My work. And I will carry on in joyful responsibility for myself, forgiving the past, loving the gift is was to me, letting it stay where it is, so I can move forward.

I forgive the past. I forgive myself.

I can move forward.

Who The Fuck Is God?

Uhg. I am feeling heavy. I feel braver these days than ever before, but still pretty fragile, sometimes brittle and weepy. Today’s just one of those days.

These are some images that Debra picked off of me a few weeks ago – I inked them up and FUCK if they don’t make more and more sense to me every time I look at them. These statement weep with the insecurity I felt by loving/worshipping and yearning to be closer to a dominant, angry and parental god. It was crushing me. And it’s my biggest beef with the god I used to know, “God the Father.”

When Debra picks stuff off of me that I have a tough time digesting, I get out my ink and go to town. It feels good to put it to paper, with thought, interpretation and purposefulness. My heart feels so small today. I have so little to give. But I think it’s part of the process.

I don’t want to hate god. I don’t want to hate the church. I don’t want to hate myself. But I distain what I became. What I was. And now I’m so mixed up in the not knowing, it’s frightening. Humiliating. I hardly feel like myself. Hardly feel real.

I know I am safe, though. I am discarding all the things that gave me headaches, migraines and back pain. I am saying hello to this moment. I am at it’s mercy. I want to be that enlightened flower Eckhart Tolle talks about in The New Earth.

I am removing the word HOPE from my dictionary and replacing it with BE.

I still love you, God. I do. Just not like a wanting creature, but a Being one.

Robert Lewis Stevenson’s Night and Day

Oh, friends. What an amazing journey this life is. I am so lucky to be on the path. Debra did a remote session with me last week while I was away in Texas. We do this sometimes when either of us will be away. She can read me wherever we are. She takes notes. Then e-mails them to me. They never cease to take my breath away. And they always bring me one step closer to wellness. Closer to my True Self. Closer to god.

Here’s what Tommy said to her (to me) during the session:

Tommy: “There is a blue book you’ve made recently that will be part of your coming inner work. I helped you make this book. Use this as your next book to take notes in after the curent one is full. You’ll be opening to automatic writing and channeling support and assistance. You are never alone, and you are so loved. We breathe along with you and walk with you every step. You can open deeper and wider to us (Bopie) as you learn to trust yourself.” Anne, I saw a hankerchief, pen, blue book (indigo?) with gold on the cover. A crown?

I was sitting in the parking lot at PC when I read this paragraph and whammy – started sobbing in the car. I went home later that night and found the book Tommy mentioned. I’d made it while sitting at Binders before a class. I’d gotten there early and was able to start this new kind of structure for an hour or two – all by myself before class began. It was peaceful. I had forgotten what I’d put on the inside front and back covers – a Robert Lewis Stevenson poem. Tommy’s the sparrow. I’m the maid. And we’re growing a new garden – my Awakening. And it’s all so damn beautiful I can barely stand it.

I don’t know yet what the 87 signifies. But when I do, I’ll be sure to tell you. My first book of notes is almost full. While I fill it up, I’ll be looking for the perfect pen and hankie to go with it.

Thank you life. Thank you god.

Here’s the whole poem:

Night and Day

When the golden day is done,

Through the closing portal,

Child and garden, flower and sun,

Vanish all things mortal.

As the blinding shadows fall,

As the rays diminish,

Under evening’s cloak, they all

Roll away and vanish.

Garden darkened, daisy shut,

Child in bed, they slumber_

Glow-worm in the highway rut,

Mice among the lumber.

In the darkness houses shine,

Parents move with candles;

Till on all, the night divine

Turns the bedroom handles.

In the darkness shapes of things,

Houses, trees and hedges,

Clearer grow; and sparrow’s wings

Beat on window ledges.

These shall wake the yawning maid;

She the door shall open—

Finding dew on garden glade

And the morning broken.

There my garden grows again

Green and rosy painted,

As at eve behind the pane

From my eyes it fainted.

Just as it was shut away,

Toy-like, in the even,

Here I see it glow with day

Under glowing heaven.

Every path and every plot,

Every bush of roses,

Every blue forget-me-not

Where the dew reposes.

“Up!” they cry, “the day is come

On the smiling valleys:

We have beat the morning drum;

Playmate, join your allies!”

Till at last the day begins

In the east a-breaking,

In the hedges and the whins

Sleeping birds a-waking.

-Robert Lewis Stevenson

Church

I’ve done it. Not that any one of you knows, but heck – making it public feels cathartic, so I’ll tell you. I’m no longer a Christian. No longer a follower of Christ. No longer affiliated with any religious organization. I’ve divorced myself from the god I thought I knew. And right now, I know nothing. If feels liberating. It feels terrifying. It’s completely new for me. And exciting in that way. But FUCK, it’s time I grew up and stopped oiling the machine my family said was God.

Oh, and I’m angry. Heh. Can you tell?

On the flip side of all this anger and rage is this new life I’m building to replace the old one that was never mine to begin with. This beautiful image was done by a student named Patrick. Every quarter I give an assignment called the God Poster, where everyone assesses their own spiritual beliefs and cranks out a poster. This was as study he did, and I’ve kept it for over a year. It hangs in my studio now.

The definition of church has always perplexed me. I never really believed that God only showed up on Sunday mornings, but you can bet I felt the peer pressure of attending church as I knew it back then. I was told that Jesus never listened to angry rock and roll music and that my mohawk in high school reflected badly on my family and the church. I was taught shame and guilt and the ever necessary duty and obligation an only daughter, middle child must carry. And I carried that torch up until two weeks ago. Since then you should see what my stomach has done to me. It’s been horrific.

I contacted the church I grew up in, was confirmed in, married in, buried my beloved brother and grandfather in, to tell them goodbye. I did it in love. Without rage or much of a fuss. That evening as I drove to Binders to teach another class (which by the way IS church to me) I cried and cried and shook while clutching the steering wheel and nearly threw up right there on the dashboard of my red minivan.

Saying goodbye to St. Patrick’s is the bravest thing I’ve ever done. I imagine this year will be filled with many other brave steps. So look out world. Catch me if you see me falling too hard.

But dang. Having reached my fortieth birthday with a list of the following really woke me up to the realization that my beliefs about myself, my past, my future and my god just weren’t good for me anymore. Since seeing Debra, an emotional intuitive and performance coach, she and I have worked together to find the source of my daily headaches, tail bone pain, blood clots, TMJ, stuttering, acne, migraines, placenta previa, hypertension, and general misery. I’m the sickest forty-year-old I know. I would like to point the finger at one source of all my pain – but really, I signed up at conception for my path and I’m going to continue walking it in joyful responsibility for myself.

So! Here’s the part where channel Zoro.

Ask me if I’ve had a migraine in the past 3 months. NO. (slice through the air!)

Tailbone pain greatly decreased. YES. (another whip through the air!)

Ask me if I’ve picked up knitting again because my hands no longer hurt. YES. (here I pick up my knitting needles and whooooosh them in the air!!)

I think I am finally beginning to realize who I really am, who I am not, who has failed me, how I have failed myself, who god is to me, who god is not.

I do believe that Jesus of Nazareth was greatly illuminated. I believe I am as much a daughter of god as he claims to be his son. I think all the creatures we worship in so many different ways all round this beautiful world are god. We are all god. I want to love god. I want to know god. Our parents became god to us from birth on. It’s only natural to look to them for guidance as our first instinct is to survive. Today I release the myth of god my parents offered me. Today I release myself from anything and everything I thought I knew, thought I cherished, thought would keep me safe, thought I feared.

I open to the big scary nothingness of letting go. I seeing this moment of being lost. I let it take me. I let it guide me. I’ll allow myself to fall, to offend, to cry out, to scream and to howl like the angry, beautiful, passionate beast that I am.

I will never, ever tell Anton who god is. Ever. I’ll tell him to rather look into his own heart, his own hands, his beautiful face, whether it be sad or angry or joyful. The church would have us believe that we and god are separate. We are not. Never have been. How can you be separate from yourself? It’s just not possible.

More of Sada & Brendan’s Wedding

These are pictures that Peter & Glo took of the wedding. I culled through and these are my favorites. It was a glorious wedding. After all the work I’ve done with Debra, an Emotional Intuitive and Performance Coach, this felt like a special celebration. I normally don’t like parties, being in a crowd, worried about how I look… all kinds of insecurities surface when I go out. But this time was different. I was proud of myself, my family, my friends and loved the moment. My heart feels about 1 million pounds lighter. No exaggeration. 

Of course, there’s still a lot of work to be done. A lot of bad stuff to unearth – things that hold me to the past, hurt my body, produce shame and anger and hatred. I am just as capable of the most horrible crimes committed as anyone else. I’ve just turned rage in on myself to cope with my insecurities. I’ve been spiteful to others. And lots of other things. 

That person who was Anne 3 months ago really isn’t there any longer. She’s changing. She’s emerging. I am meeting her and healing her. 

Hello Pretty

This little girl passed Anton by on the street. She was dressed in pink and white, her skirt was poofier than her entire body. She was sweet and confident and innocent, as was Anton who rubbernecked and said with a smile as she passed him, “Hello Pretty!”
Life doesn’t get much sweeter than that. 

I told Debra about it, who suggested I ink up these feelings without overworking the studies. I did a ton with my class last night in Advanced Calligraphy. We had a blast! 

I am going to start painting again, People. Ya hear me? Painting again. I’m doing it now, in celebration and in love. 

I’ve heard several of you ask about the “Seamless Life” I’ve nodded to in my Wee Manifesto you see to the right in this page. Seeing Debra is part of that process. She had me hooked during our first 2-hour session, which she gives freely to her clients, in case you were interested. Try it! Her work as an Emotional Intuitive allows for a deep, deep excavation of the truth in you, what your body is literally crying out to be freed from. She helps bring out the truth in you and helps heal you of everything that gets in the way of all the good you can create, all the love you can share, all the joy you can multiply and all the peace you can be in. 

Watch out world. Here I come.

Polishing Silver

I used to think that by leaving all my silver out made me look like a good daughter and granddaughter because it meant I had the time and inclination to polish it regularly and that I appreciated the gift (my family is BIG into gifting engraved silver.) 

Recently I looked at all the tarnished silver in my house and realized it just wasn’t my style. I like COLOR and chunky pottery. I like ceramics and vintage teals and oranges and enamelware. So I put all the silver away and brought out the stuff I love the most. It’s empowering to redecorate your home without any ghosts of shame and guilt trailing you into a decision that wasn’t yours in the first place. 

Here’s just a small example of the changes I’ve made to my home. Each one a step closer to the real Anne. 

I love you, God.